Walking into the food mart today I was bombarded by Snickers, honey buns, pork rinds and potato chips. I had to walk down an aisle with Wonka Bars, Pixy Stixs, 5th Avenue, Mike and Ikes, Twix, Reeses, Mars and Kit Kats. The smell of hot dogs grilling on the little turner was over whelming to my sense of smell. The cold beverages in the ice trough were sweating, reminding me of the heat index outside and my mouth began to water. It was a complete food sensory overload.
But I was on a mission--all I needed was one can of dog food to leave with Peanut at the vet. I was not "hungry,” but I felt as though I needed something, ANYTHING, to put in my mouth to satisfy this non-hunger. Of course, the man in the line in front of me took 20 minute to pick out a flashlight, or at least it felt that long anyway. In reality it was probably only a minute or two, but for me it felt like an eternity. All I wanted to do was throw the can down and bolt out the door. Bolt to the safety of my car where there was nothing of nutritional value. But I didn't. I stuck through the feelings and resisted the urge to buy a bag of salted nuts. The old me would have rationalized the purchase as a healthy buy—protein, right? Plus I'll need something to keep my energy up while I run around before work preparing to go out of town tomorrow. I did, in fact, make it out of the store and to my vehicle with no missed steps or slip ups from my plan. I sat in silence reviewing the event, trying to put my finger on that feeling that I still don't know what to call it, if it's not hunger....
At work it seems like I am the only one on a "diet". I feel like I’m bombarded with coworkers’ words--words that I don't feel strong enough to say out loud at this time--butter and cookies that crumble and melt in your mouth. Ham hocks, chocolate martinis, roasted corn with cayenne, ribs, sausage, onion rings. I’m rubbing Vicks under my nose so that I don't have to endure the smells of egg rolls, salmon, chicken grilled in oil and popcorn. The lady across from me is snacking on white saltine crackers and I can almost smell the starch as the crumbs fall to her desk. I'm not hungry I know that I'm not because just finished my lunch. 100g grilled chicken (no oil), 1 cup of spinach, 1 Melba toast, and I'm saving my orange for later.
It's not until this moment that I start to realize my issues with food. I love to eat. Even if I'm not hungry, I love the taste of salt, sugar and fat. I love the idea of trying new and different food. And I love the feeling of being full. Maybe I should re-word that. I love the feeling of not being hungry. And now I understand what my mom said when she said I need to change my relationship with food. I guess that begins now.
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